Swords and Saucery, by Dallas Janst

Swords and Saucery

the Epic Fantasy Chef

by Dallas Janst

one

It was doomed from the start. First the cook's husband had claimed to check the map before they left, then they had driven in circles twice, and then refused to search for a campsite until it was almost sunset.

What made it worse was that Reginald was not the only husband in the party of colonists. Every wagon had a husband who had also failed to check the maps and drove in circles without a clue to where they were going.

So it was not entirely his fault. But getting captured by the dragon was all his idea. The remainder were all for racing off helter-skelter into the woods, but Reginald convinced them they were enough to hold the beast at bay.

As usual, Reginald was wrong. Dead wrong, as it happened.

So one might say Griselda was lucky. She shuddered. Yes, if getting captured by a dragon could be considered lucky. Getting eaten by the dragon quickly was probably the lucky thing. Leave it to Reginald to be the first – he had been fat enough, after all. And his wife, the cook, had followed shortly – who ever heard of a thin cook? Getting pushed to the back of the cage each time because she was a skinny morsel, to be saved while the fatter captives were eaten first.

Yes, one could say she was lucky.

Only while languishing for many days in the cage, rather than slowly starve to death, she had to find something to eat and raw rat was not to her liking. So she had cooked the meat she could find: some sides of beef and mutton from the dragon's "larder" if you could call it that.

How was she to know the dragon would take a liking to her culinary art? And when he suggested she cook her fellow-prisoners, she naturally declined. So he freed them on the stipulation they should bring him back other morsels to be prepared by her.

Lucky? All the other survivors were free to return to their homes while she remained a captive in the dragon lord's employ. Humph! Lucky, indeed!

"How about something with that special sauce… One know, the one I particularly admire." He looked at her, the large yellow eyes expectant. When she did not respond: "You know, the green one?!"

"Oh, you mean the mint sauce?" She enjoyed annoying him whenever she could.

"Yes, that's it, I believe." He raised his large head and slowly closed his eyes. "Mint sauce… how ever could I forget the name of such a heavenly condiment?" His tongue darted over his lips in anticipation. The eyes opened. "And when can we have it?"

"As soon as you can get me some more mint." She turned back to the stove, feeling his eyes smoldering into her back.

"You really are quite unkind to me," he said. "After all I have done for you…"

"Oh?" She did not turn. "And what great many things have you done for me? Let me think… Oh, yeah, you didn't eat me!" She stirred furiously. "Oh, and anything else? Well, no, just that."

"I have done more than just that," he started.

"Oh, and name something else?"

"Well, I have been teaching you the wisdom of my years…"

She slammed the spoon into the pot. "Teaching me? Exactly what 'wisdom' have you been teaching me? How to do a right turn at a thousand feet into a strong headwind? I seriously doubt I will ever need such wisdom as that."

"Now that's a little…"

"Oh, and that other great gem of wisdom about the movements of the stars in the sky. Yeah, like I'm really gonna be putting that one to use real soon." She turned back to the pot. "Like right after my afternoon nap."

The expected retort from the dragon did not come. She slowed her stirring and looked over her shoulder. The dragon was looking toward the cave entrance. She set the spoon beside the pot and wiped her hands on her apron.

"I'm sorry, Wurney, I seem to be a little testy this morning."

He did not turn around. "Maybe you need a little time away."

"No, no I'm fine." She came over and stroked his side. "Really, I am. It's just that sometimes…" She shrugged. "I don't know. Just sometimes I get that way."

Wurney made no response.

"Really! Wurney? You okay?"

He straightened up. "Yes. I think I'll go and get you some mint." He started for the entrance, then turned his head back to her. "And perhaps a little surprise, too." He winked and left.

She smiled to herself. "Crazy old dragon. That's what you get when you live with a moody young girl." Walking back to the stove, she picked up the spoon and stirred.

two

The afternoon sun was warm as she strode through the market, picking up some odds and ends for her pantry. Well, Wurney's pantry if you wanted to be precise. He had no problem getting mint and meat and things like that but salt and other spices were a bit problematic for him. And bread, and… well, the list was quite long.

Of course, most of those things were not really for him as meat seemed to be the staple of his diet. But she needed bread, vegetables, and fruit. But though he ate primarily meat, he did like to try new things although he was not big on soups. He especially liked the sauces she made to add a different flavor to the meats.

"The only difference I usually have," he had told her, "is in the degree of char on the meat."

"Hey, hello there!"

She continued shopping, squeezing some melons at a vendors stall.

"Hey, Griselda!"

Looking around, she tried to figure out who was calling her name. A young man waved at her and started in her direction. He did not look familiar, she thought. What could he want, an autograph perhaps?

"Are you Griselda?" he asked breathlessly, "the captive of that dragon?"

Her nose rose slightly. "I am not his captive. I am in his employ."

"Wahtever," he said. He glanced around. "I would really like to get a chance to talk to him. Does he ever receive guests?"

She looked him up and down. "Not usually living. Why, were you thinking of lunch? Or perhaps dinner?"

He stepped back. "I think you're inviting me to be the main course." He pointed to one side of the market. "If you're here just looking for his vittles, I think you should try yonder. I'm talking about a social call."

Her gaze followed his pointing. "No, he usually supplies the main course himself." Looking back, she continued, "And, no, he does not usually receive social calls. Most people do not think of socializing with creatures so fearsome." She glanced around and leaned forward. "It's usually bad for their health, if you know what I mean."

"Yes, but I was thinking since he is friendly to you, perhaps he might welcome another human guest."

"Oh?" She leaned back and looked him over again. "And you're human?"

"Don't be silly, of course I am." He shook his head. "What's your problem?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the cave this morning. No, it's just that I wonder what you're up to. Most people try to stay as far away from dragons as they can. Why would you possibly want to come visiting?"

"Well, I think I have some news for him that he might find interesting."

She shook her head again wondering how someone this simple could have grown to maturity. "It's your funeral." She pointed to the escarpment to the North of the village. "You can come up there this evening – before it gets dark, of course – anyone can give you directions."

He stared at the large hill. "Great! I'll see you later then."

"It's your funeral," she repeated.

Sometime later, she was back in the cave, putting the last of the vegetables in their bins when Wurney returned. The smell of mint preceded him into the cave.

"Here we go," he called as he waddled in. She thought for the thousandth time that he really needed a larger cave. "Here's the mint you required." He dumped a rather large mat of green vegetation at her feet.

"Thanks, Wurney, that'll do just fine." She grabbed a handful and started to put it in a bin.

"But wait," he chuckled, or at least it was a sound she thought of as a chuckle, "don't you want your surprise?"

She turned back and grinned. "Of course! Just let me put these away first and straighten up the mess."

"All right." He settled back, resting against a wall while she finished putting away the groceries and tidying up the cooking area. After a time, she dusted her hands off on her apron, untied it, and draped it over a hook in the wall. She came and sat on the floor near him.

"I'm ready now."

He grinned and winked. "This one is especially nice, I should think. I remember you said blue was your favorite color…" He extended a forearm and opened his claws. The biggest sapphire she had ever seen lay there, set in gold with a gold chain drifting down from it, looping between his claws, swinging slowly. Her eyes were wide. "You are pleased, I gather?"

She swallowed hard. "I think this may be too much." She touched it gingerly. "I don't think I'll ever be able to wear such a thing."

"Go ahead and take it. It is yours." He tilted his paw so that it slid toward her. She caught it as if it would break. "It has been in my collection for… let me think… probably three hundred years."

She dangled it in front of her eyes, mesmerized. "And where did you find it?"

"If I recall, a castle somewhere in the East… I think her husband had tried to bring an army against me…" He scratched his chin with a claw. "Or was it something I won in a card game? Funny, I can't recall…"

She laughed. "You're not fooling me, I know your memory is better than that." For a moment, she was sad for the queen or princess who had lost the necklace, but it was a couple of centuries before her time. No one she could have known.

"So, I notice your mood had improved even before you saw the gift." He smirked as only a dragon could. "Going to the market helped?"

"Yes," she said, not able to tear her eyes from the blue gemstone. "You were right again, as usual. I just needed some fresh air, sunshine, that sort of thing." She grinned and looked at him. "The sort of thing you cannot bring me from the great outdoors."

"No." He nodded. "That is quite beyond my abilities. If I could bring the outdoors indoor, it would become a paradox."

"A what?"

"A paradox… something that does not make sense… by its very definition."

"Oh, like you, huh?"

"Oh, good you, young lady. But I'm afraid your jibes will not dampen my mood today. I think I too needed a little time out in the sunshine and fresh air. Spreading my wings in the breeze has done me wonders."

"Good. And that reminds me, we're to have a guest later this afternoon."

"Really? And, who, pray tell?"

"Some guy I met in the market was asking about you. Said he'd come up this afternoon." She grinned and winked. "That is, if he doesn't chicken out."

"Or do you mean 'wisen up'?"

She shrugged. "Either way. The fellow must have a screw loose somewhere to want to come see a dragon."

"Either that or a mighty strong death wish. Hmm…"

"Yes?"

"Tell me… I mean, if you happened to notice… was he of goodly size or did he seem a little stringy to you?"

She stood up. "I will not size up your dinner for you!"

"I meant nothing by it… just wondering, is all." He grinned.